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“The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.”  – Bill Gates

 

To get self-esteem, do ‘esteemable’ things.  It is a common, albeit, trite saying floating around self-help groups, that “To get self-esteem, do ‘esteemable’ things.”

 

What does that mean? Basically it means acting with integrity and living your life so that your actions are aligned with your values.  It means doing the right thing instead of the thing that feels good. It means helping others.  It means taking time out of your day to reflect.  It means conducting yourself in such a manner that your God would be proud of you.  It means living your life in such a way that you wouldn’t be afraid if the town gossip had access to your daily affairs.

 

A recipe for low self-esteem is to continue to do things that make you feel guilt and shame. Low self-esteem is a result of conducting yourself in a manner that you know at a deep level is not morally, ethically, spiritually or emotionally sound.  It is awfully convenient and tempting to blame our low self-esteem on other people.  Your parents were mean to you, nobody gave you unconditional love, your spouse yells at you, your boss berates you, you were teased in kindergarten; the list could go on and on.

 

And yes, there is some validity that we are programmed consciously and unconsciously with the messages we received at an early age and that we continue to hear.   Don’t give your power to others.  You no longer have the luxury of blaming your problems and your low self-esteem on other people.  You are in charge of your thoughts now.

 

The solution remains the same – start doing esteemable things. Be a good person.  Give to others.  If you remain in a relationship that reinforces your negative self-worth, you have the luxury and freedom of terminating the relationship.  As they say in a co-dependent self-help program, “If you want to stop being treated like a doormat, get off the floor.”

 

Ashley Connolly, LPC, M.Ed is a psychotherapist and the author of Life 101: 21 Practical Personal Growth Principles for the 21^st Century.  www.ashleylife101.com

 

5 Most Important Personality Characteristics

• Gratitude
  • The ability to be grateful for what you have leads to peace of mind. When we are grateful we move out of self-pity and into appreciation for the very real riches of our lives. Incorporate gratitude into your life by adopting several gratitude rituals throughout the day. These could include offering thanks before meals, writing a gratitude journal listing 3 things each day you are grateful for, or simply choosing a particular time of day (say while brushing your teeth) to list things that make you feel grateful.

• High Tolerance for Ambiguity.

• • People who are able to tolerate the ambiguity, “the messiness”, of life tend to fare better than those who expect life to proceed according to plan. Accepting and embracing ambiguity and uncertainty allows one to be present-focused, not too thrown off when plans change, and to continue to make progress towards their dreams even if the answers and the outcome aren’t clear.

• Joy

• • Joy is a state of well-being that is independent of one’s feelings of happiness. One can feel joyful in the midst of sadness. Happiness comes from external satisfactions. Joy resides within. Learn to cultivate joy in your life through gratitude, optimism, stillness, and simply deciding to be joyful.

• Tolerance

• • People who are tolerant, accepting and understanding of other peoples’ mistakes, foibles and personal issues are happier and peaceful. Most people, including ourselves, are frequently wrong and emotionally wounded. Tolerant people don’t expect people to always act the way they want them to. They accept people will be people. Cultivating tolerance for others makes life much easier.

• • Kindness

• • By taking the time to be genuinely kind to ALL the people in your life, you will cultivate healthier relationships, greater self-esteem and an elevated mood. Often we are the least kind to the people closest to us. Start your kindness practice with those people and expand your circle of kindness to everyone you encounter throughout the day.

 

Ashley Connolly, LPC, M.Ed is a psychotherapist and the author of Life 101: 21 Practical Personal Growth Principles for the 21^st Century.  www.ashleylife101.com

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